If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.