The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.