My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
mariah carrie
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.