My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.