@gabeserra: My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn't want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.
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@AndyAsAdjective: KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
@truegritrumble: CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you? ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment. CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
@ellle_em: Dog: BORK BORK BORK Human: STOP BARKING How Dog Interprets this exchange Dog: LOUD NOISES Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN Human: MORE LOUD NOISES Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
@_GoldieLox: STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE'S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn't getting pulled over!