I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
You Might Also Like
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Why is this me 😫
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms