I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.