“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.