Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
2022 be like
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.