[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.