How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Fluff me with a fork baby