My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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This is why I hate group projects
Why is this me 😫
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.