@sammyrhodes: My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
@smithsara79: Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight? Friend: Didn't you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week? Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
@AndrewChamings: If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.