Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening