kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000