Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.