@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
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@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."
@withanewname: Wife: "Bad day?" Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid." Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold."
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.