@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
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@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@yassinovic89: What if Aliens don't want to visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
@casual_koala: Don't get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
@ohthatbadger: Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.