@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
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@MariyaAlexander: Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
@cat_fvr: *sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
@Diversion50: IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
@Bearslietoo: A good sign that you're not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.