@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@chuuew: ME What's a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME [makes flies over head motion] PENGUIN I don't know what that means
@Pro_Jones_: Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH