My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?