My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.