My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”