@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
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@SuperJuanderer: The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: You're an insensitive jerk. Me: Her: You only think about yourself. Me: Her: And your tweets aren't funny. Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
@djdarrellripley: Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants. Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.