Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice