@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
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@dreamthievin: Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.
@nbadag: [hosting a kids show] ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!! KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME! [camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@Milla_Jacobs: I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
@murrman5: wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner