@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
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@AimByWhiskey: My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
@KeetPotato: [on date] girl: "id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married" henry the eighth: "our food sure is taking a while"
@RunwayDan: I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We're like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.