My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.