@HeyoShellz: My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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@eeethanford: Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin? Friend: Yes, because Kevin's friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides Kevin: bro
@BreadFoster: Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
@dafloydsta: *tear runs down cheek "Why are all these people dead on the inside?" "Sir, this is a morgue."
@NoBadHairDays2: A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.