@HeyoShellz: My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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@notfolu: I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
@_GrahamPatrick: PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet? HUSBAND: Oh, it's a bit of a fairytale, right darling? [wife is clearly a wolf in a dress] WIFE: Yes.