My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
This sounds bad:
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due