My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.