My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.