My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Note to self: always read the final line
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
This a good idea
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”