My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Beware…..
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?