@SuperShourds: My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
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@drhappyknuckles: It's embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she's not a pregnant woman, he's your boss and you're stoned at work.
@caliluvgirl77: Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window Wish I didn't have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
@RatCasket: [two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]