@ranndrew: "How much do you love me?" Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know

@onion_an: Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him Therapist: Not a bad thing Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

@FunnyTunes: ‘If more than one mouse is mice, then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

@weinerdog4life: No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that's why I dropped it.

@paulrobalino: Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn't mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae