@SuperShourds: My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
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@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven] GOD: Hello, welcome to- ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS? GOD: Right this way.
@stanleybehrman: Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED
@_coryrichardson: [dinner date] date: sorry i’m late! how long have you been waiting me: *grabs waiter* she asked you a question buddy