@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven] GOD: Hello, welcome to- ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS? GOD: Right this way.

@stanleybehrman: Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED

@_coryrichardson: [dinner date] date: sorry i’m late! how long have you been waiting me: *grabs waiter* she asked you a question buddy

@Izianikapani: Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.