I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
You Might Also Like
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Time heals everything 🙂
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.