Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Just me?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: