7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*puts words between two asterisks*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.