My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time