My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Social distancing in Australia:
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Cardio Made Easy
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys