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My wedding will be open casket.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
listen closely
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.