I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.