no one ever comes back
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I really had high hopes for this year though
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay