Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
yeah no that’s fair
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)