My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS