An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille