My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school