My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
stand with me against insufficient seating
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.