My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
when you order from DoorDastardly
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Schrödinger’s cookie
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator