@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
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@KizerBillhelm: *on first date* Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
@CackleClub: If you've been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
@thatdutchperson: [Court] "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?