My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Twitter fine art