My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Straight people are cancelled
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…