My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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I don’t get marriage
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
greetings!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.