My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?