*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
WWE is French for “yes”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.