My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.