My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.