My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
And now we wait
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”