[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME