My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
You Might Also Like
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.