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@dafloydsta: My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
@jimmytorosian: *Rubs lamp*
Where's the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What's wrong with this thing?
@Mike_Vanatta: My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, "Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"
@GinAndJif: Don'tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
Don'tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
@fro_vo: [on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
@13spencer: I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero.