My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.